Metallica → 'Lica | Where Did The Metal Go?

🌸 The Evolution of Softness 🌸

Once upon a time, they thrashed. They shredded. They were METAL. But somewhere between "Master of Puppets" and their latest ballad, something happened... The metal disappeared, leaving only... 'Lica.

Dance, Dance, Dance... And the Softness Begins

I had to keep a little something from the original site from 2001 so I decided to go with my dancin’ ’Lica babies! ]:)>

💕 Evidence of the Great Softening 💕

Load & Reload Era: When they cut their hair, they cut out the heavy too
St. Anger Snare: That ping? That was the sound of metal escaping
Lulu with Lou Reed: Need we say more?
Nothing Else Matters: Beautiful song, but let's be honest...
The Symphony Concerts: S&M? More like Soft & Mellow
Hardwired... to Self-Destruct: Hardwired to play it safe, more like

📊 Official Softness Ratings 📊

Kill 'Em All (1983)

5% Soft

Master of Puppets (1986)

10% Soft

Black Album (1991)

45% Soft

Load (1996)

70% Soft

St. Anger (2003)

60% Soft

Death Magnetic (2008)

40% Soft

The Evolution of Softness

From the thrashing fury of "Kill 'Em All" to the orchestral ballads of... well, you know. Watch as one of metal's most aggressive bands transform into your dad's favorite road trip music.

Official Metal-o-Meter™

1983 ← → Present Day

15%

Status: Mostly Harmonic Rock with Occasional Guitar

A Timeline of Mellowing

1983-1988

Peak Metal Era. Speed, aggression, and leather jackets. Actual metal detected.

1991

The Black Album drops. First signs of melody. Radio stations get interested.

1996

"Load" arrives with short hair and eyeliner. Thrash fans begin mourning process.

1999

"S&M" - They literally played with a symphony. A SYMPHONY.

2003

"St. Anger" - No guitar solos. Trash can drum sound. Confused everyone.

2016-Present

Spotify's most popular dad rock. Mission complete.

Fun 'Lica Facts

Once banned because too aggressive. Now played at grocery stores.
Went from "Kill 'Em All" to "Hug 'Em All" real quick.
Current setlist: 50% ballads, 30% moderately paced rock, 20% memories of being metal.
The most dangerous thing about them now is tripping over their Grammy awards.
Lars' trash cans have more metal content than their recent albums.
James' voice went from "battery" powered to "AA battery" powered.

Memories! And then there was... “The Napster Days”

CampChaos - Napster Bad! Fire Bad! (With deleted scene from the Special Edition) Napster vs Metallica (’Lica)

Fun little parody of Metallica

Lars is Gay (Parody of Metallica aka ’Lica "The Memory Remains")

🎀 The Name Change Petition 🎀

Join the movement! We're not saying they make bad music. We're just saying that calling yourself "Metallica" implies a certain amount of... well... METAL. And these days? It's more like smooth jazz with distortion. Time to rebrand as 'Lica and own that softer sound!

In Conclusion

We still love them (kind of), but let's be honest:
They've traded mosh pits for orchestra pits,
and headbanging for head-nodding.

'Lica forever! 🎸💕

This is a satirical website made with love (and a little disappointment) by beav.
Metallica still rocks... just softer than before. Much softer. Like a pillow.